EPISODE 2 – BREATH+SMASH
Entrepreneurs pitch products to a panel of billionaires for a stake in their companies for cat and snack lovers.
Mature content advisory
Product: Kitty Breath
”First into the Goldfish Bowl is a married couple that wants to breathe life into the novelty gift industry.”
“Hi, Goldfish. I’m Nadine Barker, and this is my husband…”
“Tom Barker.”
“We come here seeking $10,000 for 10 percent of our company, Kitty Breath.”
“The novelty gadget category represents a multi-billion dollar industry.”
“Everything from the wildly successful Pet Rock…”
“To Friend Can of Sand.”
“Research reveals that cat lovers love their kitties. Nearly every social media platform is bursting with Caterday photos and videos. But some cat lovers are unable to own them, because of allergies or apartment restrictions.”
“That’s why we created… Kitty Breath.”
“We capture an exhalation of a kitty in a decorative bottle to keep on your nicknack shelf, work cubical desk, or take with you on a lonely vacation.
So Goldfish, don’t hold your breath on this deal. Who's ready to make some scratch with Kitty Breath?”
“People call me Mr. Wonderfulicius because no one has done more wonderful things than me. I have ten very expensive cats, including a tiger. It’s a little-known fact that I created the hairless cat. Perhaps you’ve noticed the resemblance. You’re asking for $10,000, imputing a $100,000 valuation. Do you have any sales?”
“Yes. Our lifetime sales are $10,000.”
“Nadine, did you say just $10,000? How long have you been in business?”
“All nine lives, Mr. Wonderfulicius.”
“It sounds like there is no more life left in this company. I’m out.”
“Dory, what about you?”
“Tom, tell me, what do you need the money for?”
“We need it for inventory.”
“What inventory? They’re empty bottles?”
“Actually, it’s a painstaking process. We visit animal shelters to locate cats about to be euthanized. Then we stroke them to get their last meow, captured within a bottle. Their personal paw print is on the label with their name.”
“Thank you for the explanation. But I don’t see how this can scale. So scratch me out.”
“Any other investors, John or Cubono?”
Dear John is not interested. “I can’t breathe any life into your business to add value, so I’m out.”
Cubono advises, “Remember, you don’t know what you don’t know.”
“How can I remember what I don’t know?” Tom inquires.
Cubono concludes, “Other Goldfish have already stated valid obstacles. For those reasons, I’m out. Thank you for coming into the Goldfish Bowl.”
Product: Smash Chips
“Next into the Goldfish Bowl is the inventor of a snack food for everyone.”
“Hi, Goldfish. My name is Crun Chee. The global snack industry has a value of over half a billion dollars. But I’m not asking anything near that amount. For just half a million dollars you can have five percent of my company.
“We’ve come a long way since the ubiquitous potato chip. Everyone has their favorite snack. It can be corn chips, pretzels, or various cheese or veggie chips. The endless varieties give people choice. The problem is that they dominate shelf space. What if one snack could satisfy the palates of every shopper?
“That dream is now a reality with Smash Chips. We blend masa with mashed potatoes, pretzels, plantain, and plain versions of other popular snacks. We puff them, crisp them, and flavor them with a smoky, cheesy, sweet, barbecue flavor. So which of you wants to take a cruncher bite out of the multibillion-dollar snack industry? There are some samples before each of you.”
Dory asks, “Is your name really Crun Chee, and do you have any patents?”
“Thanks for asking. I have a provisional trademark on my name change.”
“Oh, that’s interesting. I’m out.”
“All right, thanks for your feedback, Dory. What about you Cubono? You have lots of money.”
“I listened to your pitch and tasted your product. For those reasons, I’m out. There are other Goldfish here.”
“Thanks Cubono. Mr. Wonderfulicious, do you have any feedback”?
“I’m waiting for you to finish your pitch. You must have massive sales for your astronomical valuation.”
“I’ve just been in business one year and am only selling online. Unfortunately, the chips are all smashed by the time we ship a bag to the customer. That’s why I need your help getting into stores.”
“When you say you deliver smashed chips, I assume your sales are smashed too, from refunds.”
“Exactly.”
“Well, I have some feedback for you. It’s a good thing you’re in the snack industry because you’re nuts! You have nothing and you’re worth nothing. This is the worst snack I’ve ever tasted. Your competitors are going to join your customers in smashing such an appropriate product name. I’m out!”
“Thanks for your harsh feedback. Dear John, what can you offer.”
“My businesses are not in the food industry, so I add no value to your company. As others have said, the product looks and tastes like something a dog left on my front lawn. Plus you’re asking for an insane amount of money. I’m out.”
Cubono commends, “Good job, guys!”
Product: Snack Foods
“Next into the Goldfish Bowl is a woman who wants others to share her passion for snacks.”
Hi, Goldfish. My name is Alana Hubert and I am seeking $8,000 for a zero-percent stake in my passion—snacks. Does the thought of delicious sweet or salty crunchy bags of insatiable goodness seize your mind throughout the day?
When I was a child, my family kept a guinea pig named Harry in a cage near the refrigerator. It didn’t take long for him to learn that’s where we kept his favorite snack—lettuce. He purred a soft warning when anyone touched the refrigerator door. When it completely opened, Harry would shrill a loud alarm until his cage was filled. So sneaking a midnight snack would awaken the entire household.
Harry is no longer guarding my refrigerator but like old Mother Hubert, my cupboards are bare. With your lettuce, I can fill my shelves with all the tasty snacks I crave.
Dory inquires, “Let me get this straight. Are you asking for money with no return?”
Alana replies, “Yes, this is a one-time investment and I won’t return.”
Dear Johns asks, “How do I get my money back?”
Dory clarifies, “The only return on your investment is my complete satisfaction.”
Cubono interjects, “Look, ordinarily I’d say that the Mavericks have a better chance of winning the Super Bowl than you getting any money from the Fishbowl. It’s not much money and you’re a pretty girl so I’ll give you the $8,000 if some of the snacks are products from companies I own.”
Dory interrupts, “Can I go in on that deal with you? I have some shelves of snacks that require clearing. We each put up $2,000, with the remaining $4,000 in products.”
Mr. Wonderfulicious urges, “Take the deal before I request a royalty.”
Alana responds excitedly, “Cubono and Dory, you have a deal! Thank you.”
The End
Return twice weekly for miniseries. Any relation to actual persons or events is coincidental. Login provides the most immersive experience. Audio may include sound effects that alter reading time. Story includes one or more generative AI images to help readers visualize scenes.
